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SEX. Splashed across magazine covers, billboards, and computer screens--sex is casual, aggressive, and absolutely everywhere. And everybody's doing it, right?
In Real Sex, heralded young author Lauren F. Winner speaks candidly to Christians about the difficulty--and the importance--of sexual chastity. With honesty and wit, she talks about her struggle to live a celibate life. Never dodging tough terms like "confession" and "sin," Winner grounds her discussion of chastity first and foremost in Scripture. She confronts cultural lies about sex and challenges how we talk about sex in church. Her biblically grounded observations and suggestions will be especially valuable to unmarried Christians struggling with the sexual mania of today's culture.
Real Sex is essential reading for Christians grappling with chastity and a valuable tool for pastors.
- Sales Rank: #368314 in eBooks
- Published on: 2006-07-01
- Released on: 2006-07-01
- Format: Kindle eBook
From Publishers Weekly
Winner, author of the critically acclaimed memoir Girl Meets God, weaves an intriguing tapestry from sociological, autobiographical, pastoral and historical threads. She balances a journalistic report of how difficult chastity is for American Christians; a personal account of how she and her friends have approached premarital and marital sex; a survey of what the Bible, pastors and good Christian books say about the topic; and an overview of how chastity has been understood throughout Christian history. The candor with which Winner writes about sex may alarm some Christian readers, but those who follow her arguments to their conclusions will find themselves rewarded with fresh insights about an overdiscussed but still deeply entrenched problem among Christians. Interestingly, some of Winner's best insights are about married sex. She states early on that "in Christianity's vocabulary the only real sex is the sex that happens in marriage; the faux sex that goes on outside marriage is not really sex at all... [it] is only a distorted image of sex, as Walt Disney's Wilderness Lodge Resort is only a simulation of real wilderness." Winner places real sex not in the passionate world of one-night stands and dating relationships, but in the ordinary, domestic life of married couples. As such, she helpfully and perhaps even radically reframes both the Christian and cultural discussion of chastity and sexuality. (Apr.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
Winner, author of the critically acclaimed memoir Girl Meets God, weaves an intriguing tapestry from sociological, autobiographical, pastoral, and historical threads. She balances a journalistic report of how difficult chastity is for American Christians; a personal account of how she and her friends have approached premarital sex and marital sex; a survey of what the Bible, pastors, and good Christian books say about the topic; and an overview of how chastity has been understood throughout Christian history. The candor with which Winner writes about sex may alarm some Christian readers, but those who follow her arguments to their conclusions will find themselves rewarded with fresh insights about an overdiscussed but still deeply entrenched problem among Christians. Interestingly, some of Winner's best insights are about married sex. . . . Winner places real sex not in the passionate world of one-night stands and dating relationships but in the ordinary, domestic life of married couples. As such, she helpfully and perhaps even radically reframes both the Christian and cultural discussion of chastity and sexuality.--Publishers Weekly"[A] carefully presented Christian approach to sexuality. . . . The book gives practical ideas for living a chaste life, portraying chastity as a spiritual discipline. One of the book's strengths is its treatment of singleness and ways in which the chruch could better incorporate singles into the Body of Christ. . . . Readers will appreciate Winner's intellectual, spiritually sound, and engaging approach."--Joseph Bentz, CBA Marketplace"With a winsome, direct, and engaging style full of beguiling humor and verve, Winner forcefully argues that chastity is themost unnatural of Christian virtues. The church must teach us who God has created us to be, must inculcate in us the practices and disciplines that we require if we are to be chaste in a world where it seems like everyone is hooking up with everyone else. While much of the current infatuation with 'spiritual practices' is rather thin, in reclaiming chastity as a spiritual discipline Winner gives substance to the notion of practice and thereby gives substance to the notion of church. . . . This book is a great resource for pastors and congregations. Winner defends marriage as a clench-fisted, revolutionary endeavor that is against just about everything we have been taught to believe, and her defense of singleness as the primary vocation of Christians is equally defiant. She also offers practical ideas about what churches can to do support us in our vocations of marriage and singleness. Real Sex is destined to be one of the most useful books for churches to be published this year."--William H. Willimon, Christian Century"A candid, readable, intelligent, and deeply Christian reflection on the meaning of sexuality and the generally unpopular and misunderstood virtue of chastity. Speaking most specifically to people who are young and single, Lauren Winner is the friendly and informed guide many are looking for in living the Christian alternative in a culture of erotic disorder. Although the author is not a Catholic, there are clear intimations of what Catholics call the theology of the body."--First Things"According to Lauren Winner, chastity is no walk in the park--not for single or married people. It involves unceasing prayer, diligent discernment and a fierce battle against the lies thatour culture and church communicate to us related to sexuality. Real Sex is the fruit of this sometimes-faltering quest in Winner's own life, a continual movement toward wholeness, as well as an ongoing conversation between herself, God and her readers. Real Sex is full of hope--hope that frank discussion will triumph over platitudes, that sexual wholeness can be recovered even after virginity has been lost and that we can all relearn what authentic sexuality is even in the face of cultural mythology."--Jenny Schroedel, Boundless.org "Lauren Winner exposes the half-truths the church and the world have told us about sex. She then proceeds to help us develop a Christian understanding of sex that is biblical, historical and God-honoring. Real Sex is an invaluable resource for college students who queries cannot be answered by 'True Love Waits, ' Christian communities that desperately long for a return to sexual fidelity and pastors who want to speak a good word about sex into this postmodern context. A remarkable resource!"--Christianbook.com"[This book] is a delight. Lots of people can write about sex; some people can write accurately about the value of restraint. How many can do those things in a candid, strikingly insightful and, yes, entertaining fashion? . . . You may not buy into all of Winner's conclusions--indeed, one wonders if she may rethink a couple of the nuances after a few more years of marriage and a child or two--but Real Sex is definitely worth the time."--Alan Cochrum, Fort Worth Star-Telegram"[Winner] bring[s] honesty and integrity to matters concerning sexuality and faith. . . . She shares authentically about a challenging time of life with which many will identify andempathize. . . . Read [Real Sex] to help you engage the immediacy and earthiness of sexuality and spirituality today."--Wayne A. Holst, National Catholic Reporter"An epidemic of sexual perversion is sweeping through our generation. Lauren Winner tackles this topic with wit and a directive to confront cultural lies about sex and challenge how we talk about it at Church. . . . This book will help [church leaders as they] talk about sex and the issues that surround it with singles who are weighing chastity and married couples who are committed to monogamy."--Relevant Leader"Winner reached a kind of evangelical stardom with her first book, Girl Meets God, a brazenly honest autobiographical non-autobiography, a mold-breaking story of spiritual pilgrimage. Winner wrote about her own sexual experiences in Girl, and she returns to the topic in a fuller way here. . . . Instead of do's and don'ts, Winner develops a rich theology of the body and of marital sex, and in addition to listing some of the lies that contemporary culture tells about sex, she lists the lies that the church tells about sex. . . . Real Sex is always honest, sometimes profound, and hip enough to give to your teenage daughter. This is a very satisfying book--and not just because it's about sex."--Peter J. Leithart, Touchstone"[Real Sex] makes a strong case for biblical sexual morality."--Gene Edward Veith, World"I found Winner's book to be a unique and fresh look at an oft-visited subject. Her approach and honesty about her own past is compelling. As someone who made a name for herself defending a Christian's right to sex outside of marriage, it was powerful to read of her own transformation in thought and rebuttal to herprevious beliefs. She systematically works her way through all the arguments, demonstrating God's plan for sexuality in the place of marriage and the beauty of chastity as a spiritual discipline. Rather than simply stating how we are to be, Winner paints a beautiful picture of why God's plan truly is best. As someone who's read way too many books on dating, sex, and chastity, I believe this is one of the best. A must read for those who are single, whether they're 13 or 47."--Matthew McNutt, YouthWorker Journal"An attempt to craft a theologically based and culturally aware case for returning sex to what Winner believes is its divinely intended place: marriage. Real Sex, however, is far from an uncomfortable, prudish lecture about the evils of the body. In a straightforward and conversational style, Winner shares her own sexual history and speaks frankly about often-taboo topics such as pornography and masturbation. Agree or disagree with the author's faith-based conclusions, Real Sex is a timely, thought-provoking work."--Shala Carlson, Gambit Weekly"Written in a readable, scholarly style that suggests C. S. Lewis was invited to speak at a 'True Love Waits' seminar, Real Sex covers an exhaustive waterfront of sexually related topics. . . . One of the most appealing aspects of this book is the explanation of the title. Outside of marriage, sex is not only wrong, it is inappropriate on a deep and cosmic level. Two people coming together for 'casual sex' may not intend anything profound, but sex is always profound. Here Winner hits the nail on the head in a new, refreshing way. . . . Winner's concept of the church's role in helping its single members stay chaste is central to the book. . .. Anyone interested in staying sexually pure or helping others in the church do so will find much food for thought in this intriguing book."--Kathryn Atwood, Having Church"Winner's broader theme, about shifting our focus from the individual to the community, is compelling and well-made, refreshingly free of the righteous scolding and guilt-tripping that makes most books praising 'community' such an awful bore. . . . Most importantly, Winner offers precise, practical advice for those seeking to practice chastity. . . . Winner wisely notes that attempts at living chastely fail unless they are entwined with daily prayer and Bible study. . . . Real Sex is very impressive overall, thanks to Winner's honesty and humility. It packs a real punch in a slender package."--Kathy Shaidle, Catholic Register"Lauren Winner wrote Real Sex for the whole Christian community (as well as for singles) in order to provide helpful tools and resources about chastity. Her purpose in writing was also to define the biblical vision for sex and the real challenges of living within that vision. . . . The author offers tools of accountability and community dialogue to assist in determining good boundaries. . . . It looks honestly at the current views and actions of the church and offers suggested changes; it encourages honest and intentional discussions about sex (we would add: emotional boundaries); and it urges supportive communities f
From the Back Cover
"With a winsome, direct, and engaging style full of beguiling humor and verve, Winner forcefully argues that chastity is the most unnatural of Christian virtues. The church must teach us who God has created us to be, must inculcate in us the practices and disciplines that we require if we are to be chaste in a world where it seems like everyone is hooking up with everyone else. While much of the current infatuation with 'spiritual practices' is rather thin, in reclaiming chastity as a spiritual discipline Winner gives substance to the notion of practice and thereby gives substance to the notion of church. . . . Real Sex is destined to be one of the most useful books for churches to be published this year."--William H. Willimon, Christian Century
"Thank you, Lauren. Now we pastors have a book we can give with confidence to people we serve and lead who have questions about sexuality. It is gentle, firm, honest, candid, reverent, informed, wise, apt, warm, human, and--in the best sense of the word--spiritual."--Brian McLaren, author of A New Kind of Christian, The Story We Find Ourselves In, and A Generous Orthodoxy
"It is unquestionably impossible to write a book about sex that is as exciting as the topic itself. But Lauren Winner comes close. She has written a book of beauty, mystery, stern challenge, and great joy. And she has written it in a humble, honest, literate, elegant voice. I hope it finds many readers."--John Ortberg, Menlo Park Presbyterian Church
"[Winner] bring[s] honesty and integrity to matters concerning sexuality and faith. . . . She shares authentically about a challenging time of life with which many will identify and empathize. . . . Read [Real Sex] to help you engage the immediacy and earthiness of sexuality and spirituality today."--Wayne A. Holst, National Catholic Reporter
Most helpful customer reviews
453 of 469 people found the following review helpful.
A refreshing book about chastity today
By FaithfulReader.com
When I was 15 I cut out a four-by-two-inch piece of paper from my copy of Brio magazine and signed it. On the piece of paper was a vow that made me part of the-then newly emerging True Love Waits movement:
"Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship."
I hung the card on my bulletin board where it was surrounded by drawings from friends, stickers from my favorite bands (The Cranberries, Pearl Jam, and the Smashing Pumpkins to name a few), movie stubs, and pithy quotes from my favorite books (including the Bible). It was a brag board. "Hey, look how cool I am! I have artsy friends and I like alternative music and I'm a Christian at the same time. I'm hardcore. I'm even a virgin." Yes folks, I wore combat boots with my dresses.
Now I'm 27. My music is mainstream (worse yet, I heard Pearl Jam on a classic rock station the other day) and I think the pastel pink purse I'm carrying today officially disqualifies me from anything smacking of hardcore. I still have that True Love Waits card --- I came across it in my parents' basement a couple of years ago --- but my enthusiasm for being a virgin has waned. It's "punk rock" when you're 15 and marriage and sex is on the horizon, just the other side of college (wa-hoo! College!); it's "lite rock" when you're 27 and marriage isn't on the radar, much less the horizon, and college is quickly retreating in the rearview mirror (wa-hoo! Paying off school loans!). And frankly, I'm just not ready to be hanging out with Seals and Croft on a regular basis.
And I'm not alone. I can't think of one girlfriend who hasn't struggled with sexual immorality. We've all made compromises to one extent or another. And we're Christian women. Many of us have degrees from bible school, we grew up in church youth groups, we signed True Love Waits cards for goodness sake!
Part of the problem is that "just wait" becomes a weaker and weaker argument for pre-marital abstinence as one gets older. And a lot of us are getting older before getting married. So, how do you make a compelling case for chastity to adults?
I'm glad you asked.
REAL SEX by Lauren Winner is certainly one way. It offers a theologically grounded understanding of sex and an honest exploration of the merit of chastity when decreed in scripture. And it does so without being glib, sanctimonious, or saying, "just wait."
"Chastity is not always easy or fun. (Once I was standing in front of my car with my then-beau, E. His arms were wrapped around my waist and I kissed his cheek and said, 'So, I think we're doing pretty well on the chastity front, don't you?' and he allowed that yes, he thought so too, and then he grinned in that way he sometimes has and said, 'Maybe too well.') Which is to say that being chaste is sometimes strange, and difficult, and curious. But it is also a discipline, and like any spiritual discipline, it gets easier and better with time," she writes.
With a pastoral sensibility, Winner puts her own "slow conversion to chastity" in the context of sociological, historical, and theological trends and interpretations. The result is a new (or very old, depending on how you look at it) schema through which single Christians can view their sexuality and its ramifications not just for themselves, but also for the body of Christ.
This emphasis on community in relation to sexuality is one of the most radical aspects of REAL SEX. Winner suggests that our sexuality is indeed the "beeswax" of our neighbors. She tells the story of her friend Carrie who was living in a house post-college with six other Christian women. Carrie's boyfriend Thad was living down the street, and even though the two of them were not having sex, they were doing everything but. And the two spent many nights together. Her roommates had no way of knowing whether or not the two were having sex and no one asked, most likely out of fear of seeming noisy or imprudent.
Winner writes: "But the Bible tells us to intrude --- or rather, the Bible tells us that talking to one another about what is really going on in our lives is in fact not an intrusion at all, because what's going on in my life is already your concern; by dint of the baptism that made me your sister, my joys are your joys and my crises are your crises. We are called to speak to one another lovingly, to be sure, and with edifying, rather than gossipy or hurtful, goals. But we are called nonetheless to transform seemingly private matters into communal matters. Of course, premarital sexual behavior is just one of many instances of this larger point. Christians also need to speak courageously and transparently, for example, about the seemingly private matters of Christian marriage --- there would be, I suspect, a lot fewer divorces in the church if married Christians exposed their domestic lives, their fights and tensions and squabbles, to loving wisdom, advice, and sometimes rebuke from their community. Christians might claim less credit card debt if small-group members shared their bank account statements with one another. I suspect that if my best friend had permission to scrutinize my Day-timer, I would inhabit time better. Speaking to one another about our sexual selves is just one (admittedly risky) instance of a larger piece of Christian discipleship: being in community with each other."
In many respects, this emphasis on community makes Winner's call to purity more challenging than the True Love Waits pledge. Just as living under grace does in some ways require more of us than living under the law, so too does thinking about sexuality as a conduit for a relationship require more of us than thinking about sex as a purely personal matter.
But REAL SEX offers this challenge with compassion and generosity. Here Winner manages to be open about her own sexual missteps without wearing them like badges of honor. And in doing so, she provides an example of how to live faithfully with past sin --- learning from it without taking pride in it.
And REAL SEX isn't just for singles. I think one of its most helpful observations is the fact that married sex isn't given its proper due; we define good married sex by how well it approximates unmarried sex. Winners suggests that we should view sex more holistically and realize that if sex was indeed created for marriage, then it was created to be shaped and surrounded by the stuff of marriage --- kids, bills, laundry, etc. The occasional weekend at a bed and breakfast or the romantic dinner by candlelight isn't a bad thing, but it shouldn't necessarily consider those opportunities more important than the connection that can take place on a Tuesday night while the spaghetti sauce is simmering.
REAL SEX offers a compelling example of how all of us --- single or married --- can reframe our thoughts on sex and chastity within a more holistically biblical framework. And it does so in an honest, thoughtful way that I hope will help refresh the larger conversation about chastity and sexual fidelity in Christian circles. I highly recommend it to all. As those wise hip-hop sages, Salt-n-Pepa, once rapped, "Let's talk about sex."
--- Reviewed by Lisa Ann Cockrel
188 of 194 people found the following review helpful.
Really outstanding
By Jason Poling
As an evangelical pastor, I'm thrilled by the thought of the conversations that this book will stimulate among my congregation. As a Christian, I'm thrilled by the alignment this book brings to my own thinking about sexuality.
Lauren Winner's book is a refreshing change from most of what's out there on sexual ethics. It's grounded in reality -- not merely the pain that attends sexual brokenness but the significant pleasure that usually attends it as well. Winner reveals the Gnostic and romantic undercurrents of most conservative attitudes toward sexual morality, especially in the Church, and articulates an alternative that is faithful to the true nature of our God-given, image-bearing humanity. This is not to say that her conclusions with regard to conduct are not "conservative" -- they are -- yet she comes to them by a thought process that holds up well to both theological reflection and harsh reality.
Especially significant is Winner's emphasis throughout on the importance of community. Ours is a world where sexuality is either held in confidence or broadcast with the expectation of nonjudgmentalism, and Winner sketches out the appealing alternative of a world where our lives are informed by relationships of integrity and authenticity with friends and mentors who love us enough to be straight with us about sex.
I am currently about the business of recommending this book in the highest possible terms to just about everyone I know.
61 of 65 people found the following review helpful.
smart, funny, and honest
By Joshua D. Reitano
Winner is a twentysomething Ph.D. student who though raised Jewish has embraced evangelical Christianity. When she first became a Christian, Winner found the idea of a compassionate and forgiving Jesus exceedingly winsome, while much of Christian ethics stifling and oppressive. Thus much of her views on sex and dating differed little from her unbelieving friends. She chose to continue to have premarital sex even as a converted Christian.
That is, until she began to think more conceptually about the whys behind Christian morality in general, and Christian sexuality in particular. Real Sex is the story of Winner's journey from promoting liberal views on sexuality to apologist for chastity outside of marriage. Smart, funny, and honest, Real Sex has a lot to offer both single and married people alike. Winner is at her best in critiquing both our culture's attitudes toward sex, as well as Gnostic myths the church tends to propagate out of fear and ignorance.
Read this book if you have teenagers, are a college student or young single, are wondering about the Biblical purpose for sex, or are exploring the reasons why sex was made for marriage.
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